Recently Islamic extremists “rejoiced in America’s misfortune, declaring in Internet chatter that Katrina had joined the global holy war. With “God’s help,” they declared, oil prices would hit $100 a barrel.” Good times. I wonder where God’s help was for this gem: 695 Dead, 180 Hurt in Iraq Bridge Stampede.
Archive for August, 2005
What was God’s involvement with this one?
Wednesday, August 31st, 2005They still make the Flowbee?
Monday, August 15th, 2005Can you believe they still make this thing? I would love to know the numbers on Monthly orders. Seriously?
Sweet website, BTW. I picture a guy in the deep south living at this mothers house with a basement full of these regretting the day he sunk his life savings into this scheme.
An Argument in Age of the Internet
Thursday, August 11th, 2005The rules of arguing with your roommates have changed over the years. Gone are the days of the awkward glances after the “helpful��? reminder note, drawing straws to see who cleans the pubes out of the shower, or walking by the 3 weeks of trash festering in the summer heat knowing that the “discussion��? could lead to hurt feelings. All of this unpleasantness has been taken out of the way through the power of the internet.
Note: I received this from a buddy a couple of months ago. I apologize to the creators as I would link back if I knew the address. If anyone has seen this on a website before let me know so I can give them credit.
Thirty Helens Agree: notes
Wednesday, August 3rd, 200530 Helens Agree: Love hurts.
30 Helens Agree: Honesty is the best policy.
30 Helens Agree: You can’t pay too much for a good pair of shoes.
30 Helens Agree: Tattoos aren’t for everyone.
30 Helens Agree: Cole Slaw Deserves Another Chance.
30 Helens Agree: Hawaii Was Better Before.
30 Helens Agree: If You Want To Remember Something, Write It Down.
30 Helens Can’t Agree.
30 Helens Agree: There’s A Time And A Place To Show Photos Of Your Children.
30 Helens Agree: A Helen Is A Helen.
30 Helens Agree
Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison
Love Hurts
[Setting: Big Open field]
[We pan down from a shot of the sky and see the 30 Helens]
Announcer: 30 Helens Agree…
30 Helens: [in unison] Love hurts!
[The Helens all nod in agreement]
Helen Bryant: He’ll break your heart, honey!
[The Helens continue to nod]
Announcer: 30 Helens Agree. Love Hurts.
Honesty
[Setting: Big Open field]
[We pan left and see the 30 Helens]
Announcer: 30 Helens Agree…
30 Helens: [in unison] Honesty is the Best Policy!
[The Helens all nod in agreement]
Helen Roritor: If you cheat on your wife, really, aren’t you only cheating yourself?
Helen Morrisey: I should know. I’ve been married for 12 years… adding up all my marriages.
Helen Vernando: If a guy won’t tell you where he lives, watch out.
Helen Bryant: Or if he owns his own pool cue.
[The Helens continue to nod]
Announcer: 30 Helens Agree. Honesty is the best policy.
A Good Pair of Shoes
[Setting: Big Open field]
[We pan up and see the 30 Helens]
Announcer: 30 Helens Agree…
30 Helens: [in unison] You can’t pay too much for a good pair of shoes!
[The Helens all nod in agreement and each hold up a pair of shoes.]
Helen Vernando: Sensible shoes make sense.
Helen Roritor: I spend a lot of time on my feet, and these make it a lot easier.
Helen Bryant: My God, your feet are what you walk on!
[The Helens continue to nod]
Announcer: 30 Helens Agree. You can’t pay too much for a good pair of shoes.
Tattoos
[We see a black card that says in white cursive print "Thirty Helens Agree ...]
Announcer: 30 Helens Agree…
[We cut to 30 Helens, standing in a field]
30 Helens: [in unison] Tattoos aren’t for everyone!
[The Helens all nod in agreement]
Helen Vernando: But they do help you remember a guy!
Helen Roritor: [turns around and looks disapointed] Oh, Helen!
[The Helens continue to nod]
Announcer: 30 Helens Agree. Tattoos aren’t for everyone.
Promptness
[We see a black card that says in white cursive print "Twenty-nine Helens Agree ...]
Announcer: 29 Helens Agree…
[We cut to 29 Helens, standing in a field]
29 Helens: [in unison] Promptness is important! [The Helens all nod in agreement]
Helen Roritor: I just wish Helen Forneay felt that way.
Helen Morrisey: [looking to her right and pointing] Look. Here she comes.
[A lone Helen runs up and joins the back row of the Helens]
[The Helens continue to nod then slowly turn to glare as one at the late Helen]
Announcer: 29 Helens Agree. Promptness is important.
Cole Slaw
[Not transcribed. It's in the same episode as Hawaii. Anyone got it?]
Hawaii
[Setting: Big Open field]
[We pan to the right and see the 30 Helens]
Announcer: 30 Helens Agree…
30 Helens: [in unison] Hawaii was better before!
[The Helens all nod in agreement]
Helen Morrisey: A honeymoon there used to be a reason to get married.
Helen Bryant: Yes, but it’s so commercial there now.
[The Helens continue to nod]
Announcer: 30 Helens Agree. Hawaii was better before.
To Remember
[Setting: Big Open field]
[We pan up and see the 30 Helens. The printed words "30 Helens Agree" appear on the bottom of the screen as the announcer talks]
Announcer: 30 Helens Agree…
Helen Roritor: If you want to remember something…
30 Helens: [in unison, raising a pen-clutching hand] Write it down!
Helen Vernando: That’s what pens are for.
Announcer: 30 Helens Agree… Pens are Good.
Helen Bryant: Although pencils are good in case you make a mistake.
[Helen Morrisey nods at Helen Bryant and the other Helens all join in the nodding as well.]
Great Minds
[Setting: Big Open field]
[We pan down and see the 30 Helens]
Announcer: 30 Helens Agree…
30 Helens: [in unison] Great minds think alike!
[The Helens all nod in agreement]
Helen Vernando: But so do bargain hunters.
Helen Morrisey: Yeah, you’ve got to get to sales early.
Helen Bryant: Yes. It’s a real jungle out there unless you’re wily.
[The Helens continue to nod]
Announcer: 30 Helens Agree. Great minds think alike.
30 Helens: [in unison] But fools seldom differ.
Disagree
[Setting: Big Open field]
[We pan down and see the 30 Helens split into two groups. They are arguing.]
Announcer: 30 Helens Can’t Agree…
[The Helens all argue until Helen Vernando raises her hand and yells]
Helen Vernando: Hey! Can’t we just agree to disagree?
[The groups of Helens stop yelling and nod to each other]
Announcer: 30 Helens Agree… To Disagree.
Photos of Your Kids
[Setting: Big Open field]
[We pan to the right and see the 30 Helens]
Announcer: 30 Helens Agree…
30 Helens: [in unison] There’s a time and a place to show photos of your children!
[The Helens all nod in agreement]
Helen Roritor: They’ll stop the evening dead.
Helen Morrisey: Reedy Allen will show her’s at the drop of a hat.
[The Helens continue to nod and then look to the camera.]
Announcer: 30 Helens Agree. There’s a time and a place to show photos of your kids.
A Helen is a Helen
[Setting: Big Open field]
[We pan down and see the 30 Helens]
Announcer: 30 Helens Agree…
30 Helens: [in unison] A Helen is a Helen!
[The Helens all nod in agreement]
Unnamed Older Helen: There’s no reason to pick your favorite Helen.
[The Helens continue to nod and then wave to the Camera]
Announcer: 30 Helens Agree. A Helen is a Helen.
Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video